When someone you care about is struggling with mental health, your words can either open a door to connection—or unintentionally deepen their pain. Often, we’re trying to be helpful, but without realizing it, we can invalidate someone’s experience. This has happened to me more times than I can count.
Here are five things not to say—and what to do instead:
“Just try to be positive.”
Mental health challenges like depression aren’t a mindset issue—they’re often a physiological response to trauma or stress. The latest research is demonstrating that it’s a survival response. Telling someone to “just be positive” dismisses the real, embodied nature of what they’re experiencing. Trying to be optimistic while bypassing pain only keeps people shut down and stuck.
Instead: Acknowledge their pain. Say, “I see how hard this is for you. I’m here.”
“Be grateful. Other people have it worse.”
While I think gratitude and perspective can be incredibly powerful, it’s not a cure-all. In fact, there’s nothing worse doing the inner work when you do a gratitude journal every single morning and night for a month straight and you can’t feel an ounce of gratitude. Because then comes the shame. The shame that you can’t even feel grateful for all the things in your life that you are actually grateful for at a cognitive level. If this is you, you’re not alone. And, you’re most likely experiencing some deep-rooted trauma keeping you numb because it’s not safe for you to feel. This needs to be processed and released.
Instead: Hold space without comparison. Say, “What you’re feeling is valid. You don’t have to explain it.”
“You’re being too sensitive.”
This comment can shut down vulnerability and connection. There potentially is a time and place for this. I know that I have definitely taken things way too personally in the past, and with inner work, have learned to laugh some of these things off. Oftentimes times there is a belief system rooted in fear or low self-worth that is behind the sensitivity. I know because that was (and still is at times) me. Sensitivity isn’t weakness—it can be a gift if it’s channeled with awareness.
Instead: Encourage expression. Say, “It’s okay to feel deeply. I’m here if you want to feel through it.” A caveat here is they might not feel feel safe enough to feel through it. If that’s the case, this isn’t the time and place.
“It’s all in your head.”
This phrase reduces very real mental health conditions to something imaginary or controllable with willpower. The truth is that mental health conditions lie on a spectrum and are a complex physiological response. Adopting empowering belief systems can definitely be helpful, but it’s not the entire picture. As my coach told me recently, “You can’t think your way out of depression, but you can think your way into it”.
Instead: Offer to help them get out of their head and back into the present through movement. Your presence on a simple 30 minute walk in nature can be potent.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
While it’s true that many times we can look back on adversity with gratitude because of what we’ve been able to do, become, or achieve, this phrase can feel dismissive during deep pain. Some experiences don’t need immediate silver linings—they need acknowledgment and care. If we bypass the process of feeling the pain, we stuff it down, and it can manifest in other negative ways.
Instead: Sit with them in their experience. Say, “I’m here with you, no matter what.”
Presence is the true gift.
What do all of these responses have in common? They offer someone else your non-judgmental presence. In the words of trauma expert Dr. Bruce Perry, “Positive relationships and connectedness have the power to counterbalance adversity.” Healing begins when people feel seen, heard, and valued exactly where they are—not when they’re told to “fix” their feelings.
